The Day Sirius Became Utterly Insane
by ilfreitas
Summary: Sirius woke up like he always did. Well, almost, because he started to hear a voice. Who was talking? Why was he the ony one who heard it? Why did the teachers bet on him? Why didn't the voice stop saying 'said Sirius? SiriusxRemus One-shot


**Disclaimer:**** Remus married Tonks in the books. So obviously the books are not mine.**

AN: VOTE ON MY GAME _Pairings You Never Thought Of_ Oh, and on my poll! :D

**The Day Sirius Became Utterly Insane**

Monday morning came, and Sirius woke up like he always did.

With James throwing a pillow at him and pulling his sheets, mumbling about missing breakfast.

Then he dragged himself to the bathroom (in a very graceful way, mind you). He peed while humming a muggle song he learned to annoy his mother. He washed his hands and his face, brushed his hair until it was so smooch that even Wizard God himself would gape in awe, brushed his teeth and then stopped.

He turned around with the toothbrush in his mouth.

He frowned.

Then he shrugged and continued to brush his teeth.

He dressed himself and came back to the dorm, throwing his pyjama into his bed. As all the Marauders had already got down to breakfast, there was no Remus to complain about the mess he was making.

Yes, that Monday morning started like every other day did, well almost, and little did he know that that day was going to change his life.

"Wait, what?" Sirius asked.

He turned around, looking for someone.

"Who said that?" he asked.

"Yes, I know I asked, you don't have to tell me that." He said. "Stop that! Who's talking?"

He got no answer.

"But you just talked!" he growled. "I do not growl!" he growled again "Where are you?"

Sirius started to look around in the dorm, peeked under the beds, inside the trunks and wardrobe, in the window, but he couldn't find anyone.

Indeed, he did not find a thing.

"Shut up! Don't rub it in my face! And I did found something! I was missing this quill!" he showed the quill he found under James's bed. "I know where I found it!"

Sirius sighed, rubbed his face and got out of the dorm, for he almost missed breakfast with his useless search ("It wasn't useless!") and he didn't want to go to classes with an empty stomach.

"Yes, I know I want to eat, shut up!" said Sirius.

But, most of all, he was hoping that whoever (or whatever) was talking would stay in the dorm.

"No such luck." Sirius mumbled.

He went down to breakfast, talking alone ("I'm not talking alone, I'm talking to _you_!") and frowning all the time, which lead to many looks and wonderings of if he was alright ("Of course I'm not alright! I'm hearing you, whoever you are!") or if he finally went nuts.

"I'm not nuts!" he growled "And I told you, I don't growl."

"No, I do." Remus smiled. "Are you alright?"

Sirius blinked and realise he had reached the Gryffindor table while he talked to himself.

"I said I was talking to you!"

"Hum, I know you're talking to me, Sirius. At least I would if you looked at me while you did." Remus frowned.

"Sorry." Sirius sat and started to fill his pale with food.

_Won't this ever end?_ he thought.

Then he gaped.

"Padfoot?" James asked concerned.

"Oh shit." whispered Sirius. _It can read my thoughts too?_ he thought_._ _It can!_ "Holy bloody hell..."

He was afraid that someone could find out about his deepest secret. A secret that even the Marauders didn't know about.

"Oh, hell no..." then he felt a hand on his forehead.

"No, it's not fever." Said Remus, brushing a little his hair subtly so Sirius wouldn't notice before pulling his hand out.

"Well, I did notice now." Said Sirius.

"What did you notice?" Peter asked.

"Come on, Pads, this isn't funny." James slightly punched him on the shoulder.

"It wasn't slightly, it hurt!" Sirius frowned.

"Sirius, come on, you're starting to scare me." Remus grabbed his other arm.

Sirius heart ached with the look Remus gave him. What he wouldn't give so he cold just grab his friends face, pull it close to his and taste those-

"You didn't hear that, did you?" Sirius asked loudly. "It was to be louder than you." He growled again "And I don't growl!"

"Sirius! What's going on?" Peter demanded.

"I...can't you guys hear it? You can't, can you?" he asked desperately. "I never sound desperate!" he said, sticking his nose up in a very Black way "And I don't act snobbish!"

"Hear what, Sirius?"

He thanked God because this time there was no 'James said'. It had been too soon.

"That voice." He whispered, looking around them "Can't you hear it?"

"Which voice?"

Asked Peter.

"The narrator! It's this voice that keeps describing what I do! First I thought it was me, being sleepy and all, because it said I was graceful and had a great hair, but then it said something like 'little did he know this day was going to be life changing.' But if I don't know that it is going to change my life, then I can't be the one who's thinking all that stuff! And I couldn't find anyone and it keeps talking and saying what am I doing! _It can read my thoughts!_"

The other three marauders looked at him thinking he was crazy.

"They don't think I'm crazy!" said Sirius "Argh, if you say 'said Sirius' one more time..." Said Sirius.

He growled again.

"Okay, Sirius." Remus got up, pulled Sirius with him and put an arm around his shoulders. "We're going to the Hospital Wing."

"We're going too!" Peter also got up. James followed his example.

"No, you guys need to go to class. I'll take Sirius there so Madame Pomfrey won't think this is an excuse not to go to class." Remus mentally added that he also hoped that, he wasn't going to miss a class for nothing "She likes me better than you two, so it's better if it's me who goes with him."

"Alright." James nodded "We'll tell Minnie why aren't you there." James contain his snigger, thinking how amazing McGonagall's face would be when he told her that Sirius and Remus were shagging in Filch's office.

"You can't tell her that!" Sirius glared at James.

"Yes, he can." Remus looked at him "You don't want points deducted, do you?"

"But..." James and Peter walked away while he protested.

"No buts, Sirius."

Sirius thought about butts.

"I did not!" he said indignantly.

More specific, Remus's butt.

"What didn't you do?" Remus asked, leading the way.

"I...uh, it doesn't matter! Look, Moony, James is going to tell McGonagall we're shagging in Filch's office!" he blushed.

"Is he really?" Remus turned his face so Sirius wouldn't notice his blush.

_Thanks, stupid voice, once again, I noticed now_. Thought Sirius.

"Yes!"

"How do you know?"

"That voice, the narrator, said that James was thinking that!"

"Sirius." Remus stopped, grabbed his friends face and looked at him in the eyes, with his heart pounding "It's a voice. That only you can hear. It's not real."

"It is." Said Sirius "It just said that your heart is pounding right now and that you brushed my hair when you checked my temperature and that you're hoping that this voice isn't an excuse not to go to classes."

"I...I never did any of that." He lied, took his hands out of Sirius face and stepped back.

"It said you just lied!"

"I didn't!" he lied again. "Come on, we must go. The sooner we take care of you the better." He grabbed Sirius wrist and walked fast, pulling the animagus with him.

Remus tried not to think about being careful with what he thought.

"Moony, you should know that when you try not to think of something is about that that you think." said Sirius.

Remus didn't answer and started to sing inside his head so he wouldn't think of anything else.

_Hey, voice. I know you can hear me, _Sirius thought, _Can you tell me what doesn't Moony wants me to know?_

Remus knocked on the door.

"Madame Pomfrey?" he called "We need your help, please!"

"What's the matter?" she opened the door.

"Sirius is hearing voices." Remus said distressed.

"Just one." said Sirius, as if that made him less crazy. "I'm not crazy."

Madame Pomfrey decided it was better not to comment on that.

"Sit on that bed, boy." She told him.

Sirius sat.

He was going to groan but then Remus sat next to him.

Pomfrey sighed, knowing this was just an excuse to annoy her and not going to classes.

"Why does everyone thinks I'm faking this?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think you do." Said Remus.

"Yeah, but you did, so as James and Pete, and now Poppy dear thinks so too." said Sirius.

Pomfrey pretended to be annoyed to be called like that.

"Ah, you actually don't mind when I call you Poppy, do you, Poppy?" Sirius grinned.

"Don't call me that, Black. What is this voice that you hear?" she changed the subject.

"It's a narrator. It narratates."

"That's not a word, Padfoot." Remus shook his head and hid a smile.

"You get the point. It describes what I'm doing." He said "like right now, after I speak it says 'Sirius said'." Sirius said.

"When did this start?"

"When I woke up. It said I woke up like I did everyday or something like that."

Pomfrey just looked at him, frowning.

A little scared with the look she was sending ("I'm not scared.") he grabbed Remus's hand, who blushed and focus even more on the song.

"This is serious, isn't it, Black?" she cursed herself for opening an opportunity to make the old pun. "Because I'm going to call the Headmaster if it is."

She waited for him to say the voice stopped and that he should go to class now.

"I'm not going away." said Sirius "This is driving me crazy."

The other two restrained themselves for pointing out the obvious.

"Alright." She turned around to her office and floo'd to Dumbledore's office.

"Stupid narrator, always using the same words."

"Please, Sirius, when you want to talk with that voice, think and don't say it out loud. You said it could read your thoughts, didn't you? You scare me when you answer it." Remus leaned against his friend, concerned.

"Sorry, Moony." Sirius leaned his head on top of Remus, enjoying the closeness and the warmth that came from the werewolf. He was still holding his hand and could smell Remus's hair.

He thanked Merlin for being the only one who heard that, for his deepest secret wouldn't be so much of a secret if everyone knew he was containing the urge to jump on Remus and snog him senseless.

Little did he know...

"Little do I know what?" he asked nervous. Was someone else hearing what he was hearing?

_Can't you tell me, stupid voice?_, Sirius thought.

"Sirius, please." Remus squeezed his hand.

Pomfrey returned with Dumbledore.

Remus sat straight on the bed and Sirius let go his hand.

"Ah, Sirius and Remus." Said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye. He had noticed they were holding hands.

"What does it matter if we were holding hands or not?" Sirius asked.

"It doesn't, at all." Except for the bet he had with McGonagall and Slughorn. Also looked like he was going to win.

"You're betting on us?" Sirius said scandalized.

"Of course not." Dumbledore smiled "But the students' life is like a novel to the teachers, very interesting, you know." He winked. "So, what seems to be the matter?"

"I hear a voice. A narrator."

"I see." Then Dumbledore took out his wand and made a flourish movement with it. "As I thought. You're under the _Narrador_ spell. It only wears off when you accomplish something important." He said, already celebrating in his head about winning the bet. It was in the bag!

Sirius frowned and decided not to comment on it.

"I know what I decided, stop that."

"It's not going to stop, Sirius," said Remus, wondering why didn't he think of that spell before "until you do something important."

"I know," he sighed "Thank you." He said to Dumbledore.

"My pleasure." Indeed it was.

"Now, off you go! Don't you have somewhere else to be?" Pomfrey shooed them.

"Eek! Transfiguration!" Remus grabbed Sirius wrist again and ran out off to their class.

"Sorry we're late, Professor McGonagall." Said Remus when they got into the classroom.

McGonagall looked at them panting, with their faces red, hair and clothes messed.

And Remus holding Sirius wrist.

Sirius pulled his hand off and used both of his hands to comb his hair.

He didn't notice Remus hurt expression. _And once again...now I do._

"You're not going to believe in James, are you, Minnie?" Sirius asked.

"I will speak with both of you in the end of the class."

"How did you know what I told her?" James turned to him as Sirius sat next to Remus, behind Prongs and Wormtail.

"The narrator said you thought of it."

...

Said Sirius.

He cursed under his breath.

"So you're still hearing him?"

"Yeah. Dumbledore says that's a spell, so I'm not crazy."

"Dumbledore only said about the first part. Now you two pay attention." Remus whispered.

Two minutes later James turned to him again.

"So you can read people's minds?" he said with a wicked smile.

"Kind of. The narrator can, but I can't pick anyone for me. It's like it's ignoring when I speak to it and keeps telling what's going on." Sirius sighed.

"Really?" James said disappointed

"Yeah, I've been insulting it for a while." Said Sirius "So, why did you want to know?"

"Just to know what Snape and McGonagall think..." he conviniently forgot another name.

"And...?" Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"There, and Lily." He sighed. "Did it read my mind?"

"No, it said you 'forgot' to mention someone."

"Wait, so if you're talking to someone or paying attention to said person, the narrator reads the person's mind." James frowned in concentration.

"Sometimes." said Sirius absently.

"With whom did it happen?" asked Peter, who had been paying attention to the conversation and dying for an opportunity to join.

"You, right now, Pete. James, Pomfrey and Dumbledore." Said Sirius.

"How about Moony?" James asked.

Sirius noticed Remus sitting straighter, to listen better to them, by now only pretending to pay attention to McGonagall.

"Yeah, but not much. Moony's been singing songs in his head so the narrator couldn't catch what he thought. But I know he's paying more attention to us than to Minnie right now." He smirked and turned to Remus.

Remus shoved him a little "As if I had a choice, you're talking about me." He hoped that that 'you' could be passed as the three of them and not only Sirius. He looked at Sirius "Did the narrator just catch what I thought?"

"Yes it did." Sirius smirked.

"Oh bugger." And he started to mentally sing again.

"He's singing again." Sirius told the others, oblivious to the clues he'd been getting even more that day than before. "What clues?"

"Think, don't talk." Said Remus, relaxed again and writing down that day's lesson.

"Black, Potter! Have something to say to the class?" McGonagall kicked herself. How could she forget the rule number one on the professor's unspoken rules, never let Potter or Black speak in class with permition, for they will ruin the lesson?

"Wow, I didn't know we were on the teacher's unspoken rules! And the first one too!" Sirius smirked.

"We are?" James raised his head.

"Damn straight!" Sirius and James high-fived.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" said McGonagall, wondering how did Sirius know about the rule.

Remus sighed disappointed and looked at him.

Sirius pouted.

Remus blushed a little. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. "Just pay attention to the lesson, Sirius."

And pay attention he did. To doing what he liked the most in classes. Remus Staring. Remus, who, next to him, had mastered the spell already, glad that he wouldn't have to practice after classes, he had essays to finish before the full moon and he just knew that Professor Frogsoap would try to find the slightest excuse to give him detention or take points. It wasn't Remus fault that the teacher's cousin had been killed by a werewolf! It hadn't even been on full moon, because that's how Greyback's followers worked.

Remus felt a wave of sickness and hate thinking about Greyback. He took a deep breath and practiced the spell a few more times.

Sirius blinked and gaped at the boy he was in love with. Why hadn't he told him that Professor Frogsoap was discriminating him?

By the corner of his eye, Sirius noticed Peter trying to do the spell. He waved his wand too suddenly and poked the mouse in the face.

It turned into a mutant thing that started to attack James as it grew.

"Aaah!" yelled James like a little girl. "Get it off!"

Sirius got up and petrified the mutant.

"Thanks, mate." Sighed James.

"Sirius! You saved Prongs life! Thank you, I don't want to go to Azkaban!" Peter cried of happiness.

"Hey guys..." he said slowly as McGonagall started to walk to them "I don't hear the narrator anymore."

"You don't?" said Remus hopeful, tired of repeating those songs in his head.

"No, I don't." he laughed and sat again.

"Great!" Remus smiled. Now he didn't have to stop himself from thinking, he could finally allow himself to think of Sirius as he always did. As whom he was in love with. He thanked Merlin for ending the headache it was not to think of Sirius like that.

Then he noticed Sirius was staring at him.

"Pads? Oh, you want to know why it stopped? I guess saving someone from a mutant can be considered an important act..." Remus smiled slightly.

"Remus." Sirius grabbed his friends face with both of his hands and pulled it close to his.

"S-Sirius?" Remus blushed.

"I lied." Sirius whispered "The narrator is still here. Guess what he just caught from you?"

"Oh God. Sorry, Sirius, I won't try a thing, really you ca-" Remus was stopped by a pair of lips.

"Black! Lupin!" McGonagall scowled as she reached them and saw Sirius moving his mouth against Remus's. Damn, that meant she only won half the bet!

When Remus kissed Sirius back the spell bro-

00000

**This was fun to write! When I started I had only thought about it until after breakfast, so don't punish me if after that isn't that good x.x**

**This was inspired (kinda) by a movie I saw two years ago, I think, which name I don't remember. It started with this guy (main character) getting up and going to work, while we heard a narrator. When he was waiting for the buss the voice said 'Little did he know that he was going to die in xx days' or something like that. He heard and goes to a university professor (literature, duh) and it's a really cool movie. The guy doesn't talk back to the narrator in the movie, thought.**

**Do you know that part when Sirius said **'Stupid narrator, always using the same words.'**? I had to stop myself from writing '**Suddenly an owl flew in the Hospital Wing and pooped on Sirius's head.' **I really did.**

**Oh, expressions that aren't mine but used anyways:**

**Even Wizard God himself – **A Very Potter Sequel. Ron talking about the Firebolt.

**Little did he know - **That movie I mention on the big bold text.

**It was in the bag! – **A Very Potter Musical. Harry talking about how easy it's going to be winning the Triwizard Tournment. 'Cedric Diggory, I don't know, he's pretty awesome...NOT! He sucks! I'm totally gonna win, it's in the bag.'


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